#lets go mr. spud

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

By His Command 3

Summary: the commander arrives. (Handmaid AU)

Warning: this series will contain violence, dystopian aspects, rape and noncon, blood, coercion, possible pregnancy and other dark elements. Please read these warnings and beware.

Character: Lloyd Hansen

Note: Thank you for reading! Also feedback and comments if you dont mind. Maybe a reblog. 💕💕💕💕

The martha comes to fetch you as the sky dims outside the iron bars. You follow her to the kitchen where she has a sparse array of produce. A few potatoes, some leeks, and a clove of garlic. 

“You will help,” she says bluntly.

“Praise be,” you reply but receive only a sharp look.

“Peel,” she takes out a peeler and puts it before you. “We’ve had no handmaid, so a guardian delivers the produce. It is never enough.”

You nod and go to work. You drag the blade along the skin, stripping it away, and let it drop to the counter. You pick out an eye from the potato and set down the naked spud, grabbing the next. That martha chops with heavy, short thunks against the cutting board.

When you’re done, you gather up the skins. She points you to the bin and you dump them there. You rinse your hands and face her. She puts a pot on the stove, ignoring your expectant gaze. You don’t dare ask what to do next as you only feel in the way.

“We’ll do a stew, bake some fresh bread,” she instructs, “tomorrow, you will go to Loaves and Fishes so we can fill the pantry.”

“Praise be,” you agree. She sighs.

She dumps the ingredients all together in the pot, adding some pork bones for flavour in the broth and some rise to round it out. It’s better than what you got at the center but you won’t presume that you’ll share the same stock.

“Martha,” the wife enter’s in her blue dress. Long straight sleeves and cinched waist. You bow your head so your bonnet hides your face. She sidesteps you, shouldering you away without acknowledgement.

“Mrs. Hansen,” the martha falters, her previous derision gone.

“Toss the stew, we’ve received a duck from Commander Bodecker. You know he loves to hunt.”

She puts a crate on the counter. The martha reaches to slide it towards her and pulls back the cloth to peer inside. You look at your feet, wiggling your toes in your red socks.

“The Commander has returned,” the wife continues, “the table must be set.”

“I will have the handmaid do it,” the martha confirms.

“Pray that she can handle such a task,” the wife rebukes and sweeps around, strutting out without even a glance in your direction.

The martha reaches into the crate and pulls out the dead mallard. You wrinkle your nose at the mussed green feathers. You look away.

“Well, would you rather lay some spoons out or undress this?” She asks brusquely.

You go to the cupboards and pull a door open. You only find plain metal canisters. She comes over and shuts the door, opening the next to reveal the plates. You bring one down, then a second. She slides a drawer out.

“Take one for yourself. Three,” she instructs.

You wince and pull out another plate.

“When you dine with the Commander and his wife, you say nothing, you look at nothing but your plate, you eat only what they allow you,” she hisses.

“I understand.”

“If only you could.”

She counts out the cutlery and puts it atop the stack of plates.

“Napkins beside the stove. Wrap the silverware.”

You go to the drawer nearest the stove and find the pale white napkins trimmed with blue flowers. You add them to your lot and the martha points you through the archway that looks into the dining room. You hear her mutter as she turns back to the duck.

You roll up the cutlery tightly in the fabric. Like swaddling a baby. You go around, chair by chair, plate and cutlery. 

As you arrange the last, only thinking then of the glassware, a soft noise brings your head up. A man in navy blue leans in the doorway. You did not hear him or sense him. You cannot guess for how long he’s been there but you can guess at his identity.

You dip your head down and step away from the table, “Commander.”

He breaks the threshold and strides around the other side of the table. You keep your chin down, jaw locked, as you listen, don’t look. The glimpse of his face floats in your vision. Tidy combed hair and shaved sides, a trim of hair across his lip, and handsomely forged features. 

He stops behind a chair and you feel his gaze on you.

“Blessed be the fruit, Ofloyd,” he rolls the name on his tongue.

“May the Lord open,” you eke out.

He chuckles. You bite your lip. The only people who laughed were the aunts, and it often meant trouble. He grips the back of the chair.

“I am the lord’s agent but it will not be him who does the… opening,” he intones, his tone dripping salaciously. “So, Ofloyd, will you open yourself to me?”

You don’t know how to answer. This is not how the aunts speak; or the guardians; or the handmaids.

“Praise be,” you gulp.

He snickers and twists his grip on the back of the chair.

“You have no idea,” he slips a hand down, brushing along the front of his trousers, “praise, there will be.”

He growls and leans back on his heel. There is no time to respond. He is already on his way. As quickly as he appeared, he is gone again, leaving only dread and the scent of cedarwood.

[myveryownfanfiction]

18+ MINORS AND THOSE WITHOUT AGE IN BIO DNI

tags: @illiana-mystery, @iobsessoverfictionalmen, @theselfshippingwitch, @psychokinetic-ectoplasm, @lulusplaycorner

warnings: swearing

Ray brought another box into the shop, putting it on the counter next to me. I smiled at him and squeezed his arm as I moved next to him.

“thank you honey.” I said, kissing his cheek as he rolled his eyes. “I think that’s the last box.”

“Isn’t it a little early to be decorating for Halloween?” Ray asked, squeezing my side as he moved past me. He headed back towards the front of the shop, turning back when I gasped.

“excuse you Raymond!” I joked. “It’s the first day of fall! I’m entitled.” Ray chuckled as he shook his head, smiling softly at me. “Besides if you really had a problem with it you wouldn’t have gotten the boxes out for me.”

“you have a point.” Ray mumbled, doubling back and kissing me softly. “Have fun.” I smiled at him and turned back to the boxes. “If you need help let me know.”

“thank you.” I muttered as I opened the boxes up. I started to separate everything on the counters as ray started doing inventory. “Where did you want me to hang the lights this year?” Ray looked up and shrugged.

“where you had them last year is fine.” Ray said. I gave him a look and ray frowned. “What?”

“ray, you complained all last year about walking into the, and I quote, damn lights I just had to hang up for Halloween and Christmas.” I laughed. Ray laughed.

“oh yeah.” He said. He held out his hand and I handed him the lights. “I’ll hang them. This way they’re out of my way for sure.” I smiled at him as he grabbed a ladder.

“while you’re up there, we might as well get the ghosts hung.” I said, leaning back against the counter to watch ray. He gave me a look over his shoulder before climbing up the ladder.

“I don’t understand why you have to put up the things I spent most of my life catching as Halloween decorations.” Ray muttered, teasing glint in his eye. I rolled my eyes as I handed him the stapler. “It feels like you’re making a joke of my life.” I laughed as he stapled the lights to the rafters.

“Raymond.” I giggled. He pretended to ignore me as he climbed down and moved the ladder. “Raymond.” He glanced at me, the beginnings of a smile on his face. I wrapped my arms around his arm and buried my face in his bicep as he started laughing. “Raymond Francis stantz. They’re your fucking ghosts.” I laughed as he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. Ray laughed as he kissed my head.

“shut the fuck up.” He chuckled. “I’ll hang them after I get the lights up.”

“thank you.” I whispered before kissing him. Ray nodded before climbing back up to put up the rest of the lights. I grabbed the gel clings and started putting them up on the front window and the door. The mirror behind the counter got drawn on with dry erase marker to make it look cracked. Ray finished up with the lights and started hanging the ghosts.

“are we putting them all up or are we just putting a few out?” Ray asked. I turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. He nodded with a laugh. “Right. What was I thinking. You go all out. As always.” Ray kissed my cheek as he walked past me to grab the ghosts. “Hey where’s the one that looks like slimer?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed. I walked over and shifted through the pile.

“uh im not sure.” I frowned. “It should be right here. Unless…no. He couldn’t…could he?” I looked at ray, watching as he scrunched up his nose in thought.

“he can’t leave the firehouse.” Ray said. “At least I don’t think…” there was a rustling from upstairs and ray looked at me.

“you go first Mr. Ghostbuster.” I said, gently shoving him. Ray nodded before heading through the back and up the stairs into our apartment. I was hot on his heels, neither of us caring the shop was still open downstairs.

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Ray groaned. “You ugly little spud!” I grabbed rays arm as slimer floated out of the kitchen and into our living room. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I laughed as Ray ran a hand down his face. "Alright you little fucker. Where's the decoration that looks like you?" Slimer shrugged, what could only be described as a smirk on his face.

"Ray, you know you're..." I started.

"Talking to a ghost. Yes." he said. "Slimer, I know you know where it is. Just bring it downstairs and try not to eat me out of house and home." Ray sighed. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and headed downstairs. "I swear I have no idea how he got here. Let's just finish decorating and maybe we can call Trevor or Phoebe to come get him later."

"I think we may need to call Peter instead." I said, smiling at Ray. He laughed and pulled me tighter.

"Oh he'd love that." Ray said, kissing my head. "Let's get the rest of these up. Maybe if Slimer behaves we can keep him around a bit."

"That honestly sounds creepy." I said. Ray chuckled and shook his head. "No I mean like imagine him while we're..."

"I get it. I get it." Ray said, dipping me as we walked and kissing me softly. I giggled as he righted me. "I can't very well lock him in a closet. But somehow he knew about when Peter would bring someone to the firehouse. Kept out of their way."

"Raymond." I groaned. Ray smiled at me.

"Ok. We'll get him out of the apartment." He said, kissing me before going to finish putting up the ghosts. "After we finish decorating." I nodded in agreement as I went to grab the various signs we had.

[starbuck09256]

The Enigmatic Dr. Scully part 2

As Mulder continues to wonder about Scullys allegiance we take a look at his thoughts in Deep Throat about his new partner.

Part One can be found here

https://archiveofourown.org/works/50486953

He sees her sitting at the bar, her glasses on with a file perched in front of her. She’s cut her hair since the last time he saw her. He meanders through the crowded DC bar, between lobbyists and politicians she fits right in. “Hi” he likes the casualness of it, the way she looks up at him from behind the rim of her glasses, which showcases the brilliance of the blue in her eyes. He offers to buy her a drink, and she reminds him of the time. She is ever practical he finds. While she was happy to meet him outside of the office, it seems she brought her work with her. Still studious and eager, but the level of professionalism was still on the tip of her tongue. Her “It’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon, Agent Mulder,” isn’t lost on him. Not Mulder, Agent Mulder, she is laying an invisible boundary for them. While she will meet him outside the office the pretense of the meeting is very clear. She has work in front of her, she is meeting him at his request about work. He looks around the bar noticing how many others have decided that 2pm on a Tuesday is the exact time to hit the bar early. Because Congress is back in session and these palms certainly won’t grease themselves. “It doesn’t seem to be stopping the rest of these people,” She offers a fleeting smile and he realizes she will not elaborate on her earlier statement. He cuts to the chase because in truth he appreciates how direct he can be. If she would like to keep everything professional he is all for it. Except at night when he remembers the way his fingers tingled while touching her skin. Or the smile he gets when he thinks of her laughing with him in the rain. How she picked up the clues he hadn’t seen until his 4th time re-reading the file. She backed him up, stole a sample of evidence, believed him, and dammit if she didn’t demand proof just like he did. 

“I have something to show you, let’s get a table” he mutters. She flips through the file with a nonchalant regard. Skimming the contents but still, she asks all the right questions, why, and what, and how. She knows that the pilots, the rumors of Russian airspace. She is well-read and up on current events. He loves the back and forth-with her. Minds snapping back at different possibilities, rumors and otherwise. She more than keeps up and he knows that he will never be able to lay out all his cards for her. No, she has revealed a very telling detail about herself. She likes the chase, the challenge. This could get very interesting indeed. He wonders what they will discover together in spud state together.  

He decides not to tell her the other details, because why ruin the fun? If she is a spy and is here to lead him astray best he knows a bit more on the uptake. The older gentleman in the bathroom has given him pause. His knowledge of them and his work is concerning. Scully is sitting calmly when he tries to chase the man down. Unaware of the conversation, and he sure isn’t going to share. He wraps up everything and tells her to get ready for the flight in the morning. 

The fact that she not only went back and looked up the details on the file is encouraging and suspicious. She is dedicated, and her concerns about them being shut down cause his soul to warm with affection. She doesn’t want them to get shut down. She wants to keep working together. He hears the soft clicks and wonders about the more ominous warning. Her curiosity is peaked and so is his paranoia. If someone is going to chase them off this case, he needs to be prepared to protect them. 

The flight out is uneventful he gives vague details and only gives her snippets, the warning from the old man still fresh in his mind. She still hates flying gripping the chair during takeoff and landing. 

Mrs. Budhauses' story is almost as fantastic as the file, the neighbor McLennen seems to dismiss Anitas' concerns. Scullys knowledge of the Aurora project, and the syndromes, she knows without batting an eye. And yet, when he points out the awards to her and they get in the car, she agrees that maybe a few phone calls are worth the effort.

Her compassion is subtle in the way she tries to assure Mrs. Budhauses, the way she smiles at the kids, and gives her card. He feels a sense of relief, if she is a spy she would have to be a damn good one. Not that she couldn’t be but her empathy and compassion seem so genuine. She calls all the numbers and makes an appointment because it's most likely the only way they can get her off the phone. 

Kissler of course won’t answer a damn thing, he’s lucky she easily follows his lead. Her distrust of the reporter is interesting. Her exasperation at the waitress and the way she calls him a “sucker” before fleeing makes him laugh. Just like her comment about the appointment, she’s funny with a dry wit that plays well. 

She is of course dismissive of the UFOs and to be fair to her, he gets it. Still, he can’t hope to find proof, when he heads down the hill and sees her fast asleep against the car window, he knows that he can’t wait to show her the lights in the sky. See the incredible show he has been stunned into viewing in the last 15 minutes. As she stands there next to him, he realizes that this is what he has been missing, someone to share in the mystery to help him comb through the garbage and lies for proof of the impossible. 

The kids are stoners but Scully is good-natured about it. Being pulled over and told to leave town, does seem to have shaken her a bit. He is a little surprised because she has been up for the challenge every time before. He wants to believe she really is worried about his job. That she likes working with him as much as he likes working with her. Well probably not that much. 

Still he takes the keys and runs off to the base, if he is going to find proof or get fired trying he will. He isn’t sure what happened he only knows that she is holding the reporter at gunpoint, wearing his loose jacket. She drives like a maniac but he has no idea how he got where he is and he is forced to confront that she is the only one that can explain it to him. The anger he feels as she recounts that he ran off without her, her anger and frustration. That she spent all night calling everywhere she could to find him. While she doesn’t say it outright the moment with Mrs. Budhasas confirms it for him, she was worried and scared and now she is just mad. She is right to want to leave. He gets a copy of her report, he has Langley sending them to him. While she won’t admit to truth in his theories she does admit something else. She saw it, she saw the lights in the sky, and while she doesn’t yet know how she is open-minded enough to find out. 

The visit with the gentleman at the track is further proof for him. She isn’t a spy, but she certainly isn’t what the bureau thought she was either. No, she is something far more dangerous to him. She’s an ally. 

[sleep-deprived-mf]

regretevator headcanons pt 1

This ones gonna be a long one.. here are my gender + pronouns + sexuality headcanons for npcs that can enter the elevator! (canon and confirmed sexualities stays the same)

lets go!!

Bive: Transfem, she/it, lesbian Dr RETRO: Transfem, she/her, aroace Fleshcousin: Genderfluid + Intersex, it/they (canon!), either pansexual or aroace haven't decided yet (if aroace then also queerplatonic) Gnarpy: Agender, xe/they (canon!), aroace (+queerplatonic maybe) Infected: Transmasc, he/they (canon!), bisexual + ambiamorous (like me!) Jermbo: Male, he/him, he's a cat Lampert: Transmasc demiboy, he/it/they, panromantic demisexual Mannequin Mark: Transmasc genderfluid, he/any (canon!), gay no MR or MRManeuverer PartyNoob/Poob: Non-binary (canon!), they/he, pansexual + polyamorous Pest: Demiboy, he/they (canon!), gay (used to be canon, still counts-) Pilby: They have a canon gender, pronouns and sexuality so no headcanons here ^_^ Reddy: Male, it/they (canon!), aroace (HES A ROBOT WHAT'D U EXPECT-) Split: Transfem, she/they (used to be canon), lesbian (canon!) Spud! (BESTEST BOY!!): Transmasc genderfluid, he/it/any, panromantic aceflux Unpleasant: Genderless, it/its/any, aroflux + grayace + bisexual Wallter: Male, he/any (canon!), bisexual

woagh I thought there was more lol

[renaultphile]

TC tag game

Thank you for the questions and for tagging me @spudodell.

Rules: Answer the questions and tag other TC fans!

1. "He would not fucking say that" only they did and it's canon. When/who?

Ralph to Laurie in the ‘break-up’ scene, as soon as Laurie starts asserting himself:

"Don't waste time, Spud. It's childish to start an argument about whether we love each other, the moment I go and sit on the other side of the room”

What a horrible thing to say!  Run like the wind, Laurie!

2. Did they kiss in the study? Yes/no + why you are 100% correct about this.

First let’s take a moment to appreciate Spudodell's recent spot of a stealth kiss (can you re-blog that one too, I couldn't find it!) at the beginning of the ‘break-up’ scene when Laurie comes through the door, which to me is absolutely definitive and ground-breaking (not in a good way for me, but still….brilliant detective work!)

On the kiss, I am in the ‘no kiss’ camp, but it is not possible to be definitive.  I feel that Mary plays a lot with echoes, parallels, and contrasts, and for me ultimately I feel the lack of a kiss is meant to be a contrast to other moments in the book, not an echo. 

But what has exercised me more recently is, kiss or no kiss (but especially if there was a kiss), this scene in chapter two really gives me the creeps.  I have been reading around the topic for some schoolboy Ralph fics and Alec/Ralph (watch this space on that one), and it has become ever more clear (Alec Waugh’s commentary ‘Public School Life’ being the best reference on this) that Prefects really were like Gods.  He points out that prefects had almost as much power as but even less accountability than teachers due to the ‘no-snitch rule’.  You can see it in the discussion of Hazell and his confessions, and how contemptuous the schoolboys are of him for 'confessing' (or in modern terms, reporting an inappropriate relationship).

In some ways, a kiss could explain quite a lot about Laurie’s behaviour and attitudes to Ralph in the book.  But to be brutally honest, I’ve had enough of creepy behaviour in men being disguised as ‘romantic’ in heterosexual romances (Mr Rochester, anyone?) and the thought of encountering it in a gay context in such a beloved book is just too much to bear.

So, no kiss for me!  He was still behaving pretty weirdly but that’s understandable in the circumstances.

3. Mandatory question about Ralph's alleged tattoos.

I’m sold on the fic that has him get a tattoo of his sunken ship.  Love the co-ordinates of Dunkirk idea though!  But I think Lux’s one is more realistic.  My reading of that being that he got drunk and wanted to fit in so he got a load of random not-very-good-ones.

4. 53 vs 59 edition: quote a line or paragraph that is better in the edition you like the least.

I favour the ’59 edition, as I broadly feel the cuts make it read better.  But there is one exception.  When Laurie is daydreaming about swimming with Charles, Mary cuts this line:

“Take off your things and jump in."

Apparently skinny-dipping was a step too far for the US audience!  Scandalous!

5. Which TC character would feel right at home here on tumblr dot com?

Bunny but not in a good way.

6. Tag yourself at Alec's birthday party.

I’m Laurie as in sitting in the corner checking out the books.  Not as in going on a rescue mission with some drunken guy.

7. Post a TC meme.

Sorry I couldn’t find the source of this – not exactly a meme but it made me laugh!

8. Easy to talk about who deserved better. Who deserved worse?

Not that I know what happened to them, but Andrew’s relatives who tried as hard as they could to ruin his life, as if his parents dying wasn't bad enough.

9. You can break the fourth wall (at any point in the novel) and say a single sentence to our protagonist, Laurie Odell. What do you say?

I would tell him not to let Dave bully him into leaving Andrew without seeing him.  Because he knows with every fibre of his being that Andrew would not want that.

10. What's a question you have about TC? One you haven't found an answer for yet.

Too many to say.  It’s the unknown unknowns that really get me.

Tagging @gayskogul @telltaleangelina @jeork @alovelywaytospendanevening @black-bentley and anyone else who wants to play and would like to raise their head above the parapet!!

[darklydawnsthedrive]

List Of Episodes in a Order That Gives Slight Continuity

———— See Below

1. Darkly Dawns The Duck Pt.1

2. Darkly Dawns The Duck Pt. 2

3. That Sinking Feeling

4. Beauty and the Beet

5. Getting Antsy

6. Night of the Living Spud

7. Apes of Wrath

8. Dirty Money

9. Duck Blind

10. Comic Book Capers

11. Water Way to Go

12. Heavy Mental

13. Adopt-a-con

14. Paraducks

15. Easy Comes, Easy Grows

16. Negaduck

17. A Revolution in Home Appliances

18. Trading Faces

19. Hush, Hush Sweet Charlatan

20. Can’t Bayou Love

21. Tiff of the Titans

22. Bearskin Thug

23. Dry Hard

24. Sweat of Your Life

25. Film Flam

26. Whiffle while you work

27. Fungus Amongus

28. Jurassic Jumble

29. Something Fishy

30. A Star Is Scorned

31. Just Us Justice Ducks Pt. 1

32. Just Us Justice Ducks pt. 2

33. Double Darkwings

34. Slaves to Fashion

35. Aduckyphobia

36. When Aliens Collide

37. Days of Blunder

38. Cleanliness is Next to Badliness

39. Smarter then a speeding bullet

40. All’s Fahrenheit in Love and War

41. Calm a Chameleon

42. Ghoul of My Dreams

43. Battle of the Brainteasers

44. Bad Tidings

45. Toys Czar Us

46. The Secret Origins of Darkwing Duck

47. Up, Up, & Awry

48. Going Nowhere Fast

49. A Brush with Oblivion

50. Disguise the Limit

51. Planet of the capes

52. The Merchant of Menace

53. Darkwing Doubloon

54. It’s a Wonderful Leaf

55. Twitching Channels

56. Dances with Bigfoot

57. Twin Beaks

58. The Incredible Bulk

59. My Valentine Ghoul

60. Dead Duck

61. A Duck by Any Other Name

62. Let’s Get Respectable

63. In Like Blunt

64. Quack of Ages

65. Time and Punishment

66. Stressed to Kill

67. The Darkwing Squad

68. Inside Binkie’s Brain

69. The Haunting of Mr. Banana Brain

70. Slime Ok, You’re ok

71. Whirled History

72. U.F. Foe

73. Kung Fooled

74. Jail Bird

75. Bad Luck Duck

76. Monsters R Us

77. Dirty Something

78. Inherit the Wimp

79. The Revenge of the Return of the Brainteasers, Too!

80. Malice’s Restaurant

81. Quiverwing Quack

82. Life, The Negaverse, & Everything

83. Star Crossed Circuits

84. Clash Reunion

85. Steerminator

86. The Frequency Fiends

87. Paint Misbehavin’

88. Hot Spells

89. Fraudcast News

90. Mutancy on the Bouncy

91. Extinct Possibility

[originemesis]

Of course Sera would have never sanctioned a covert venture into the odious underbelly of pride's center city asphalt jungle for the sole purpose of finding and dispatching of some rancid demon scum playing dress-up with Adam's face. Not over a soulless piece of glass. No, no, let them make a prop out of his image. Let them make a joke out of his memory. Because now is the time to practice diplomacy. Right after the infernal filth has spit in the face of everything heaven stands for. After they've robbed her blind of her only place and purpose in this life. Now is the time to turn the other cheek.

Well, as it turns out, much of the newly appointed commander's capacity for giving a shit had died with Adam.

Tracking this ballsy fuck down hadn't been as great of a hassle as she had accounted for. Of course people are going to talk when the phantom of the man who'd terrorized their home for several centuries latches itself onto the same streets he'd painted red every new years eve.

After having tailed him through the city for the brunt of the evening she has found herself sat across from his LED lit visage, at the opposite side of a lengthy (and equally sticky) stretch of bar counter, observing him peck at a basket of something grease laden from underneath the hood of the voluminous cloak hiding her angelic features.

Ah, yes...yet another night in the rot pit known as hell spent half-sullen in some seedy dive bar after the show he was obligated to put on for the sake of a corporation that swore to him that the "v" as in Vees stood for the best thing ever-....though he was starting to question that after one too many dudes showed up on his doorstep thanks to that Grindr shit that Pinkie Pie made him and swore would rake him in piles of pussy. Maybe it was for the best though, he thought with the trio of space rocks hung in his chest like pills swallowed dry without a halo to holster them. Pussy always seemed to bring him trouble one way or another.

Hunched halfway over his paper tray of tendies and fries, he sighed, digging a talon in to spear a couple of fried spuds before coiling them up into his mouth display. A show was cathartic in a way, but it wouldn't distract him from the heavy feeling of being alone in a crowded room that smelled enough of questionable decisions and cum to make his skin itch under the hoodie he'd pulled on before traipsing out of the last gig directly in favor of finding somewhere to hole up for the night that wasn't with Mr. Mews for Views's arm snaked around his waist. Though it wasn't the best disguise, the mask being a trademark to his music making down in the shit slums, he'd pulled his hood up with its horn accommodating holes in the top and hunkered down at the far end of the bar to more or less stuff his face and watch two imps fight to give the bartender a blowie. Such had become the norm sight for him practically a year post-extermination that ended with him exterminated from heaven. Couldn't say he missed the meetings, but...he couldn't help but wonder what she was doing now? Clearly whatever it was involved being done with him since she'd stayed gone. Hadn't even made it out of the fiancé position before leaving him to drown in a ditch of his own blood- now that was some achievement, even for him.

It was only after another mouthful of misery-bound munching that he feels a twitch at the nape of his neck. Was someone...staring? Fallen angel or not, he still had his high degree of perception skills (mainly out of his usual wish of not having the other angels perceive him and his humanity displayed across his visage like a full-bodied scar) and it was clear to them that eyes of that not crowd-bound and rocking out were watching. When the screen of the phone Vox issued him lit up, he took the moment to try forget the fleeting feeling by flicking the face that popped up with his middle finger shortly before swiping at the screen to answer the call. "You seriously think I was in the bathroom this whole time? It's been like three hours, bruh- take a hint." He chirruped into the receiving end lying flat in an open talon and held unenthusiastically near his open-mouthed chewing, content for the moment. "I already got food. Can't hear me eating it? No... nuh-uh. Mmh..." Lips purse after he slides a glowing yellow tongue over them, and he flicks the phone again... for fun.

"Your download is past due again, Adam. And ANOTHER thing-...wait why's there an echo? Did you put me on speaker? Stop that."

Snort. "Oh no...krrzzzt...you're krzt! Krzzzzzt- breaking up! Krrrrzzzttttt!!"

"I'll break you up, you son of a bitch- get your ass back to home base NOW, or I will send out a search party-"

Click. One flick was all it took to quiet that mess down. Great, now he got to deal with the goonies. "Total Karen."

[we-are-all-of-legend-now]

Fictober Day 7: Do You Recognize This?

Prompt number: Prompt #7

Fandom: American Dragon Jake Long

Pairings/Characters: Jake/Rose; Jonathan; Trixie; Spud

Rating: T

Warnings: memory loss; abandonment; pregnancy mentions

You can read under the cut or click here to read it on fanfiction

Rose held her breath, waiting. Beside her, she knew Jonathan was doing the same thing. The doctors had all said that it wasn’t going to be that easy; a blow to the head like the one Jake had suffered in his accident could prevent his memory from ever coming back completely. Since Jake had woken in the hospital with his amnesia, a lot had come back to him. Gramps had been the first thing that Jake had truly remembered. After that, it had been Trixie and Spud. The memories of the rest of his family were shakier but they still came through. The memory of Susan’s cancer and the reliving the end of it was the worst one to come back. Rose had sat in the hospital room, watching Jake and Jonathan embrace and wishing that she could go and comfort him too, having it kill her that she couldn’t.

                Because the only thing Jake didn’t remember was her.

                Rose and Jonathan had agreed that Jake should come home to the house that he’d shared with Rose for the past ten years. And Rose had been hoping, against every warning that the doctors had given, that Jake would just walk through the front door and know he was home. Jake’s face had been sour in the car and there had been no recognition of their home as they pulled in the driveway. Instead, she and Jonathan followed Jake went from room to room, taking his time to inspect random objects, such as the snowflake printed blanket over the back of the couch in the living room.

                Every inch of Rose wanted to go to him, put her hands over his, and ask if he remembered curling under that blanket, a bucket of popcorn between them, as they watched old movies and got so wrapped up in kissing each other that they didn’t realize the popcorn had spilt and the end credits had roll until long after it had happened.

                Rose didn’t do that.

                Rose just watched him put the blanket down, noting that there was no warmth in Jake’s eyes. It was all as if he were touring someone else’s life. The last stop was their bedroom. Rose had made up the bed just this morning, in Jake’s favourite gold sheets. Jake poked around, going straight to his side of the bed and his nightstand. The flare of hope Rose had at that quickly faded when Jake turned to look at their wedding portrait.

                Jake was still wearing his wedding ring. The doctors had said it was an important reminder of his normal life. It didn’t mean a thing to Jake. Jake had never said it but Rose knew it. Rose had often caught him playing with it in the hospital while watching her left hand. Every time she had wanted to shout that they were matching gold and they’d bought them in Greece the day after he’d proposed because they were so excited at the thought of being Mr. and Mrs. that they almost got married right then and there. She hadn’t said any of that and Jake had never asked her, unlike all the questions that Spud and Trixie fielded. Jake just wasn’t very curious about Rose at all. Rose tried not to let that hurt but how could it not? He was her husband; from the moment they had met, he had been the love of her life. Never had she doubted it until he turned his cold eyes to her, as if she were nothing. Trixie petted and said that it wasn’t Rose’s fault and that she was doing all she could but Rose doubted that too. If she was doing all she could, why hadn’t he come back to her yet?

                Jake turned toward Rose and Jonathan, done with staring at the wedding portrait. “What happens now?”

                “Well, son, I’m gonna head home,” Jonathan said tentatively.

                Roe found it very hard not to burst into tears from the way Jake was looking at her. How could they have been together for fifteen years, lived together for ten, and been married for seven, and there was so much nothing in his eyes? He could remember every Christmas, their high school graduation, and the details of moving Gramps into the old folks’ home; he just remembered it all without her existence.

                “Trixie and Spud are coming over,” Rose said. Jake flinched at the sound of her voice and she pretended not to see it. “They usually come over on Thursdays or we meet up. They’re bringing your favourite.”

                “Mario’s.”

                Jake couldn’t remember buying this house but he could remember the little eatery that had opened the year prior. Grief and rage rolled through Rose, quickly twisting into nausea.

                “Right. Well, they’ll be here in about an hour.”

                Even though it pained her, Rose left Jake to his own devices for that hour. When Jonathan left, Rose made sure she laid out the table and went about her chores quietly so that she could keep track of him. Jake spent most of the time in the bedroom, rifling through what Rose hoped was only his own drawers. She longed to go to him, wrap her arms around his waist, lean up on her tip toes to kiss the back of his neck and tell him, well, everything. Just like she always had. Just like she might never get to again.

                It was such a relief when Spud and Trixie arrived, breathing much needed life into the house. Jake even looked happy for the first time that day, which Rose savoured. They sat down to dinner, which Spud and Trixie kicked off with their usual litany of work stories and complaints. Jake even laughed. It was a sound that the house had been missing for so long and Rose wished she’d known it was coming so that she could record it and play it over and over again.

                It was when they’d moved into the living room that Spud popped the illusion.

                “So, Jake, what’s it like being home?”

                Jake went blank again. “It’s Rose’s house.”

                “You’re everywhere here, Jakey,” Trixie said, putting into words the things that Rose couldn’t. “You can’t believe you never lived here.”

                “I didn’t say that,” Jake said, a note of scorn in his voice. “It’s just not a place I remember. It doesn’t feel like a home. It’s like I’ve never been here before.”

                “It’s been ten years,” Rose whispered but no one heard her.

                Jake was on a roll now, finally with people that he remembered as being trusted confidants. “Like, I see all this stuff and I know it’s all true but it doesn’t feel like the person in all the pictures is me. It’s not me. None of this is me. How can this be the biggest piece of my life when I have no memory of it? Could it really have mattered if I don’t remember?”

                “We have loved each other for fifteen years!” Rose screamed and then she fled from the room before she cried in front of him.

                Rose hid in their bedroom, hiding her face in the pillow, crying unashamedly. She didn’t know that person in the other room. He had her husband’s face and her husband’s voice but he looked right through her. Rose had struggled to be calm and understanding in front of him and Jake just acted like she was furniture.

                There was a knock at the door. “Rose, hon, can I come in?”

                Trixie.

                Not that Rose wasn’t grateful for her friend but, God, would she ever stop hoping that it was Jake instead, back to his old self? At least if it wasn’t his old self, some form of self with empathy.

                “Come in,” Rose said. Maybe it wasn’t ever going to be Jake again. Then what did she do? Rose had never wanted to think about life without Jake – the very idea had torn her heart from her chest. Now, she was stuck with reality.

                Trixie nudged the door open, leaving it half ajar. In her hands were two very full red wine glasses. Trixie put one in Rose’s hands and Rose quickly turned to place it on her bedside table.

                “Come on,” Trixie said, “you deserve something to take the edge of. Nothing you’ve been going through is easy.”

                “It’s not that. It’s … I mean, no, it hasn’t been easy.” Rose picked at the pillow on her lap. “He doesn’t love me anymore, Trixie. Worse than that, he doesn’t feel anything for me. I wish he hated me. I wish there was something but it’s like I don’t exist.”

                “Girl, I know, and I know it’s the worst thing for you. For everyone. I mean, you’re Jake and Rose.”

                “Were.” The tears dripped thickly from Rose’s eyes and she didn’t make any move to wipe them away. “We were.”

                “And you will be again, as hard as it is right now,” Trixie said, but Rose thought that she might be lying. Or, at least, not as confident about it as she wanted to be. “Come on, have a drink with me.”

                “I can’t.”

                “You don’t need to have that clear of a head to deal with Jake. I’ve seen you two drink a bottle of tequila between you before.”

                “He’s not that Jake anymore,” Rose said, and then she took a deep breath. It had been six weeks and she hadn’t said this aloud. This wasn’t how she wanted it to be but the dreams she was dreaming while Jake was being ushered away in an ambulance unbeknownst to her were never going to come true. And, Trixie was her friend too. Trixie would be there for her. Trixie had been there for her. Rose opened her mouth and blurted, “And I can’t because I’m pregnant.”

                Trixie nearly dropped her wine glass. “What? How far along?”

                “Six weeks. I found out the day of Jake’s accident because I was just getting some stupid routine blood work and it’s one of the things they screen for.” Rose sobbed. How many times had she sat in the best, her hands on her stomach, thinking that it was everything that they had ever wanted and nothing that they should have been going through right now? There wasn’t even a we.

                “Oh, Rose. You didn’t say anything?”

“I was planning on telling him we were pregnant and now I’m so terrified for when I’m going to show because what is he going to do? What am I going to do? He barely believes I’m his wife, is he really going to accept this baby? Is it fair to put that on the table? I don’t know. But, I’m pregnant and we’ve been talking about this for so long and I can’t let go of our baby. I can’t. So now I’m here, having Jake’s baby, and Jake doesn’t even know my damn name.” Rose tried to talk herself through how to breathe again. All of the discombobulated thoughts that had been lying in bed with her for the last few weeks were just tossing themselves out of her mouth. “This is going to be it, Trixie. I don’t want to say it but I know it. If he’s not better soon, it’s going to be the baby or him. How do I make that choice?”

                “Rose, you should have told me.” Trixie put her hand on Rose’s knee. “You shouldn’t have been alone with all of this.”

                “I didn’t know how.”

                Trixie put her wine glass down on Jake’s nightstand and then scooted along the bed to pull Rose into her arms. “I’ve got you. No matter what happens, you’ve got Auntie Trixie and Uncle Spud, okay?”

                Rose couldn’t stop crying enough to breathe, let alone respond.

(-.-)

                “You should go after her,” Spud said.

                Jake didn’t really want to but he didn’t really want to sit in the living room and feel Spud judge him, either. Because Spud would judge him. Because Rose was his wife. Allegedly. Apparently. Jake slowly walked from the living room to the master bedroom, drinking in all the sights again and all of the pictures along the walls. It didn’t seem possible that everything else had fallen into place within two weeks of his accident and he was still struggling with his wife – who he had apparently known for half of his entire life – four weeks afterward. Jake wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings or anything but he didn’t know how to talk to her or about her. Jake didn’t even know how to start thinking about her as a person. That was weird. He couldn’t be such a monster that he didn’t think of her as a person but here he was. He was dying every time that she looked at him with expectation because Jake knew he was going to fail. It wasn’t fair to either of them but Jake couldn’t say that to anyone who knew the both of them. They were ‘Jake and Rose’. Allegedly. Apparently. It meant something to everyone else.

Jake approached the open door, hearing Trixie’s voice. Did he knock? Was it weird? At this point, Trixie knew Rose way better than Jake ever expected to. Maybe he should just leave Trixie alone to comfort Rose. Jake turned and then stopped when he heard his own name.

“He’s not that Jake anymore. And I can’t because I’m pregnant.”

Jake froze. No one had told him about a baby.

                “What? How far along?” Trixie asked.

                No one had apparently told Trixie about a baby either.

                “Six weeks. I found out the day of Jake’s accident because I was just getting some stupid routine blood work and it’s one of the things they screen for. I was planning on telling him we were pregnant and now I’m so terrified for when I’m going to show because what is he going to do? What am I going to do? He barely believes I’m his wife, is he really going to accept this baby? Is it fair to put that on the table? I don’t know. But, I’m pregnant and we’ve been talking about this for so long and I can’t let go of our baby. I can’t. So now I’m here, having Jake’s baby, and Jake doesn’t even know my damn name.”

                Jake crept away from the doorway, no wanting to get caught. He knew it wasn’t a conversation that he was ever supposed to hear and he had to figure out how to respond. Easier said than done when he didn’t understand his own head anymore. He went back into the living room and gestured with his head.

                “Can we go for a walk?”

                “Sure, man, just around the block, all right? I don’t want Rose to get upset.”

                “She’s not my keeper,” Jake grumbled.

                “Well, no,” Spud said as they left the house and went out into the wintery air, “but she’s your wife. And you’ve always been sensitive about making sure she knows where you are and that you’re safe.”

                Jake shoved his hands in his pockets, keeping his head down as they walked. He didn’t know what to say to Spud; he wasn’t even sure he wanted to talk to Spud. He just wanted to be on the move because standing still wasn’t getting him anywhere. And, now, Rose was pregnant. Or, apparently, Rose had been pregnant this whole time. Jake had heard the sadness in her voice when she had said it. He could hear how much she loved him. Maybe he had been a brick wall to her and maybe that was unfair but he couldn’t fake the fact that nothing he had learnt about her or them as a couple had made him feel a single thing. He had laughed over memories of Trixie and Spud and cried over memories of his mother in a hospital room and he didn’t even have a single thought about Rose. They were supposed to be this great love but if it was a great love, it should conquer all, shouldn’t it?

                And if it didn’t, what were they supposed to do?

                Jake thought he knew. He just wasn’t sure how to say it especially since it was his first night out of the hospital and at Rose’s house but he didn’t see the point in dragging any of it out.

                They arrived back at Rose’s front door.

                Well.

                Here went nothing.

                “Spud, can you get Trixie out? I want to talk to Rose alone.”

                “Sure, man.”

                Jake waited in the living room, sitting in one of the very comfortable armchairs, looking at a framed photo of he and Rose at the Grand Canyon. They were already wearing wedding rings. Jake took it all in with a clinical eye because none of it meant anything to him. Do you recognize this? Do you recognize that? It had been the never-ending question since he had opened his eyes in the hospital and when it came to Rose his answer was always the same: no. None of it. None of it at all.

                “See ya, Jakey.”

                “Bye, Jake!”

                “Bye, guys. I’ll text you tomorrow!”

                The front door slammed shut.

                Jake didn’t have to wait for long until Rose reappeared. She had washed her face but Jake could still see how red her eyes were. His eyes dropped to her midsection. She didn’t look like she was any thicker than in the recent photos around the house but Jake didn’t know that much about pregnant women and he knew even less about this woman who was supposed to be his wife.

                Rose sat down in the chair across from him, regarding him warily but with a spark of hope in her blue eyes. “Spud said you wanted to talk.”

                “You’re pregnant.”

                Rose clapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh, damn it. Damn it. You are not supposed to – I was going to tell you. I didn’t know how. I guess I was hoping that if you came home, if you spent some time at home, things would be different and that I could try to tell you. I’m not that far along. I don’t even think I’m supposed to be telling people yet.”

                “Rose, I’m not the father.”

                Jake didn’t have to know her that well to see the hurt that flashed across her face.

                “You are. You’re my husband.” Then came the rage.

                “I’m not your husband either,” Jake said, shaking his head. “Not the way that I should be. I look at you and I feel nothing. I’ve known you for a month and I don’t even feel like we’re friends. Or like I even want to be friends with you. Even with all the amnesia stuff and the head injury, don’t you think that I should feel something? Don’t you think there should be something between us?”

                “You remembered everything else,” Rose said desperately. “Maybe there’s a block or there’s –”

                “It doesn’t matter. I knew from the first time I walked into this house. I’m sorry because I know this is going to hurt you but I need to pull off the Band-Aid right now. I can’t give this anymore time because it’s only going to hurt you more. I don’t remember you. I don’t love you. I don’t like you. I’m not your husband and I’m not your child’s father.” Jake pulled the wedding ring off his finger. “I’m going home to my father’s. I know we’ll need to talk more and everything but with everything else that’s going on, I’m calling it. Best of luck, with your life, okay?”

                Rose was rocking herself and sobbing so hard that Jake thought she was going to fall over. Jake placed his wedding ring on the coffee table in front of her but Rose didn’t even look up, her long blonde hair falling around her shoulders.

                “Goodnight, Rose,” Jake said.

                And then he left her.

(-.-)

                Rose crawled out of the living room.

                She didn’t have the strength to stand or think but she knew that she couldn’t stay in that room where Jake had said goodbye forever. Her Jake had left her. They were supposed to be together. They were always supposed to be together. Hadn’t they promised it again and again, only for it to turn into nothing?

                Rose hauled herself into the bathroom, throwing up. She wasn’t sure if it was grief or baby but she was dizzy by the time that she stopped, flushing it all away. Rose stared at the toilet, wishing that it was that easy for real life. At least her real life. It was all gone for Jake and he was free and easy to run off and do whatever he wanted to and she had to stay here in the ruins of what could have been the greatest love story ever told.

                Rose picked herself up off the floor. She was tough; she had always had to be tough. And even though she wanted to lay down and give up, she knew that she couldn’t. She had baby to think of. Just her and baby.

                Rose made it to their bedroom, looking at the full wine glass on her nightstand. It would be so nice on a night like tonight to just lose herself inside of a bottle and deal with the hangover and the pain and the tears and the fear in the morning but she was locked here, in this moment, where there was no Jake, no hope of Jake, no semblance of the other half of her whole being.

                Rose let out a shriek of rage. Despite her misgivings with the universe, it was the first one since Jonathan had called her to tell her there had been an accident, back when she had been floating on cloud nine about baby’s existence and thinking about how to tell Jake. She let out another shriek of rage and then she let out a full howl. Despite everything that the last few weeks had given her, this was the first time that Rose felt herself give up hope. There was nothing left. There was nothing at all.

                Rose seized the wine glass in her hand and threw it at the wall, watching it shatter against the pale green paint, the red wine splattering across their wedding portrait, turning the best day of her life into one of blood and sadness. Then, Rose slid down to the floor, her back against the bed, and stared at the wine drip. She put her hands on her stomach.

                “It’s just you and me now, baby,” she said.

                The way it was never supposed to be.

[notasapleasure]

Houdini and Doyle S01.E07 (2016)

How did I not know there was a TV series with Stephen Mangan playing Arthur Conan Doyle solving mysteries with Harry Houdini??

Anyway, we open with a good Irish priest getting his nose bitten off by a demonically possessed woman, so far, so good! I wonder what role Dr Chandra will play in this....He doesn't seem to work in Bedlam, anyway.

Oh hey, Ewan Brenner is here, too! Hi Buttons/Spud :) he thinks he's Sherlock Holmes and I'd watch that!

Harry Houdini seems to be the only sensible one here, but also please don't let Dr Chandra be the one leaving 'demonic stigmata' on insane people, please...

Oh, it's always ergot isn't it...

Half an hour in and...finally! Dr Chandra is in fact the one professional doctor here who is not poisoning/torturing people :')

Dr Chandra: it's a poison of some sort??

Houdini: how about ergot?

Chandra: sure! Why not?

Houdini: lucky guess :))

But he can't cure it, oh dear me no.

Best get the kids out, I don't have a clue, mate! :')

Maybe this will help? Hello Mr Doyle, are you in there?

Real doctors don't lobotomise people, they just hold them down while they die :))

Houdini tripped over a wheelchair and broke the antidote, so Doyle had to imagine his way out of his own fear...

To answer my opening question, the reason I’d never heard of this is because it is shit. I’m so disappointed! I’d been holding onto this episode in the hope that I’d at least enjoy the setting (I am a huge fan of most of Ripper Street after all), but Ewan Bremner and was really the only light in the dark and for the most part he was an hallucination. Yikes.

Rating

Dead? Nope

Evil? Nope

Affects the plot? Absolutely not, it’s the Victorian era! Only the doctors who treat people are evil!

God, I probably need to adjust the rating I gave Casualty up, because it was better than this, but this was not worse than Tom Clancy’s Gun Advert, so 1/5, there was a kind of Stephen Fry thing going on with the moustache etc which was quite endearing but...yeesh. Moving on!

[bestparenting12]

100 Disney Jokes for Kids: Fun and Wholesome Laughter for All Ages

Disney movies, characters, and stories have been a source of joy and inspiration for generations. Kids especially love the magical worlds Disney creates, filled with characters they adore. What better way to celebrate that joy than with some lighthearted, Disney-themed jokes? These kid-friendly jokes cover popular Disney characters, movies, and stories, offering plenty of giggles for the young and young-at-heart. Gather your family and friends, and enjoy these 100 Disney jokes that are sure to bring smiles!

Classic Disney Movie Jokes

Why did Mickey Mouse get hit with a snowball?Because Donald ducked!

How does Elsa hold up her pants?With a “belt” of snow and ice!

What do you get when you cross Stitch with a sheep?A “Wool-ohana” family that never leaves!

Why did Simba look in the mirror every morning?He just couldn’t wait to be king!

What does Olaf eat for breakfast?Frosted Flakes!

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?To get to the second hand shop!

How did Tigger get his stripes?From too much bouncing!

What did Mulan’s horse say after a long run?“I’m feeling horse!”

Why was Buzz Lightyear at school?To get to infinity and beyond his homework!

Why did Woody stop at the bakery?He needed a little “Dough!”

Frozen-Themed Jokes

Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?Because she’d “Let it go!”

Why did Olaf break up with the sun?Because it gave him the cold shoulder!

What kind of math does Olaf like?Snow-and-tell!

Why doesn’t Elsa use a computer?She’s afraid of a “freeze!”

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?An “abdominal” snowman!

Why couldn’t Olaf tell the snow globe any secrets?Because it was too transparent!

How does Olaf keep his cool in summer?He just chills out!

What’s Olaf’s favorite music?“Melt”al!

Why didn’t Anna know she had powers?Because they were Elsa’s!

Why did Sven blush?Because he saw Olaf melting!

Toy Story Jokes

What does Buzz Lightyear say when he makes a mistake?“To whoops and beyond!”

Why doesn’t Woody like jokes?Because they leave him tied up in laughter!

What is Woody’s favorite type of music?Country!

Why can’t you take Bo Peep to a baseball game?She always brings the sheep and misses the ball!

What’s Buzz’s favorite number?Infinity!

Why didn’t Rex win hide-and-seek?Because he was always “spotted!”

What’s Woody’s favorite part of the alphabet?The “Y” because it’s the rope!

Why did Mr. Potato Head go to school?To learn how to “spud” out his problems!

Why did Jessie become an artist?She wanted to draw from her “roots!”

How did Buzz Lightyear do on his test?He passed with “flying colors!”

Princess and Fairytale Jokes

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?Because she kept running away from the ball!

How does Rapunzel keep her hair so neat?With a lot of “shear” willpower!

What’s Belle’s favorite animal?The “beauty-fly”!

Why did Ariel break up with Prince Eric?She found him a little fishy!

What kind of makeup does Mulan wear?“War paint!”

What do you get when you cross Sleeping Beauty with a pizza?A “crusty” fairy tale!

Why doesn’t Jasmine like to cook?She has a genie for that!

Why was Snow White always lost?Because the map had dwarfs all over it!

Why did Moana cross the ocean?To find the way!

How does Cinderella communicate?With a glass phone!

Villain Jokes

Why did Ursula look in the mirror?To “see witch” way to go!

Why don’t villains play sports?They’re always up to something shady!

Why did Jafar go to the gym?To stay in genie-us shape!

How does Maleficent take her coffee?Dark and stormy!

Why is Hades so bad at math?Because he’s always feeling underworldly!

What’s Scar’s least favorite season?“Lion” in the fall!

Why does Gaston only read picture books?Because he can’t read Belle’s books!

Why can’t Cruella be trusted with a dog?She spots trouble everywhere!

Why did the Queen of Hearts play cards?To deal with her temper!

What does the Evil Queen say when she gets a compliment?“Mirror, mirror, who’s fabulous?”

Animal Sidekick Jokes

Why is Timon so smart?He’s got a “lion share” of brains!

What’s Abu’s favorite fruit?“A-boo-nanas!”

Why did Pumbaa get kicked out of the jungle gym?Too many wild warthog dances!

Why was Sebastian such a good composer?He had perfect “sea” notes!

What do you call a snappy bird?Zazu!

Why does Maximus never miss a beat?He’s got “hoof notes!”

What’s Rajah’s favorite game?“Catch-the-Genie!”

Why does Meeko like cookies?Because he’s a “raccoon-noisseur!”

What’s Hei Hei’s motto?“Cluck it and go!”

Why was Flounder scared?Because he’s a “fish out of water!”

More Disney Fun!

And many more Disney-inspired jokes can bring endless laughter, whether for a party, family game night, or any time a little Disney humor is needed!

[pawfulofwaffles]

My designs :] This took like a week I think

Closeups in pairs

(the yawning gap above the shorter characters is because eeeeeerrr ummmm I thought it was a good idea to maintain height differences at first but it doesn’t really look good but I’m lazy and didn’t feel like cropping it) had to go on the website instead of the app to post this since the website lets u post more than ten o_0

Me yapping about each characters design below ⬇️

- Split has a bunch of spots on her pelt, like a banana.(spots are random right now, I’m trying to come up with actual placement I can remember. The spots on her shell aren’t random tho)

- Bive has a long thin tail with a tuft at the end, and patches and stitched up rips in her coat.

- Lampert has a star at the end of his chain(I swear I saw an artist that added this that inspired me to add it) and a plush body(like, if you cut him open he has stuffing)

- Gnarpy’s tail bulbs are shaped like stars, with the stingers on the point of them. Also, technically gnarpians hind legs are designed to be digitigrade, but when in their armor and boots, they walk plantigrade. Also also Gnarpian blood is purple and called glarzle.

- Gnarpy made Spud fluffy and gave him paws when xe experimented on him?? Idk man I just saw someone give him fluff and paws and was like “hell yeah” also the bottom of Spud’s shirt is tied

- Gregoriah has a short spaded tail.

- Pest has two pairs of arms and red paw pads, a short abdomen-like tail with two antennae extending from the base of his tail(there is a reason I give bug characters that but I’m not explaining it now), beetle wings(not visible, they’re under his sweatshirt), and a silky furred head.

- Poob has an animal nose, curly fur, star shaped paw pads, a color block hoodie, red sneakers with stars drawn onto them and red paw pad markings on the bottom of their sneakers, and a puffy tail. There is confetti caught in the curls on their head and in their tail.

- Infected has scene wear on. He also has freckles(BECAUSE I SAY SO!!1!) and curly dark brown hair. His snot and blood are pink and black checkered. The pins I added on his pants aren’t actually part of his design, I just wanted to add them lol but the pin on his beanie is part of the design

- You can only see the outline of Unpleasant unless something is covering/absorbed in his fur and hair. Most important thing to mention ig is that he has a large bushy tail. Also SHORT UNPLEASANT SUPREMACY IDGAF IF THEY’RE CANONICALLY TALLER THAN MOST PEOPLE

- DrRETRO is HUGE. The only one who’s taller than her is MR. She’s close to height with Wallter, but he’s slightly shorter. She has one a those doctor mirrors on her head, big eyes and a big mouth(her expressions are always exaggerated). She has a white doctor’s coat with a light blue-cyan undershirt, and a stethoscope. Her paw pads are green(unless about to use her killing laser, then they’re pink) and the metacarpal paw pad is a medical cross.

- Folly got a thin tail with tuft on end woooo also hooves that you cant see with the boots on

- Prototype has joints and silver metacarpal paw pads.

- Scag is scag I just wanted 2 draw her

- Pilby has green swirls on their cheeks, their hood is fuzzy, they have a fluffy body, and there’s a pink tuft on the end of their tail. Their handpaws have ribbons with bells around their wrists, and their hind paws have frills around them. Also they have paw pads and each paw has a different color (upper right is blue, upper left is pink, lower right is turquoise, lower left is green)

- Mach is pretty much the same too lol

- Jermbo is shaped kinda bowling pinnish since Buck is his son or something. Also I actually went to the og image and looked at other pictures of Takeru(the name of the cat used in Jermbo’s image) to know what his patterning looks like

- Reddy has a collar with his red tie, overalls, and cuffs on his wrists. There’s a rip on his left overall pant to reveal the bad state his left leg is in

- Wallter is pretty much the same but has cracks in his left upper arm, right thigh, and also technically on on his left thigh but it’s covered by a bandage

Mark has woodchip hair, a construction vest, multiple scars on his arms(from construction. Mainly.) and a bandage above the joint in his stand.

Why did I choose these guys but leave out other characters, like MR, Sarah, Emerson, or Enphoso? Either because 1. I haven’t fully figured out my design for them yet, or 2. I just don’t care enough about them.

[if-you-fan-a-fire]

“If He's Fined, He'll Close Up Shop,” Border Cities Star. September 2, 1931. Page 3. --- THERE are 17 mouths to feed in the family of Delbert Middleton, Sandwich South truck farmer, and if he has to pay a fine for overloading his truck, market bound with potatoes, well, he's going to close up shop and let the municipality care for his household.. Mr. Middleton delivered that ultimatum in Sandwich Police Court this morning when his daughter, Pearl, was charged with driving the overloaded truck contrary to the H. T. A.

Pearl was some place else, "working for her board." but the father offered a loud argument that there WAS something wrong with the scheme of things when a poor man is haled to court because he was trying to make $2.50 by taking potatoes to market.

Provincial police stated the truck and Its cargo weighed 9,750 pounds, while the license called for a gross weight of 6,000 pounds.

"Have we a right to draw potatoes, or will we let the town look after us?" was the puzzling question Mr. Middleton shot at the Magistrate, stepping right up beside His Worship's chair - an action considered very bad court practice, and rarely attempted by defendants.

The Magistrate was tolerant, though, and after hearing the farmer's tirade, he adjourned the case for a week so that Pearl could be brought to court to tell the original story of the overloaded truck of spuds.

[birbfeeder2artisticboogaloo]

Let's play a little game if you want. Pick one: purple or yellow? apples or pears? butterflies or bees? chocolate or caramel? stripes or dots? bus or train? coffee or tea? pumpkin or potato? mango or coconut? candles or fairy lights? spotify or cds? sea or lake? piano or violin? palmtree or christmas tree? pen or pencil? summer or winter? chris pine or chris evans? lil nas x or orville peck?

right LET'S DO THIS 💪😤 i prefer........

purple!

apples 🍎

BEES 🐝

chocolate pls~

ahhhhhh this ones difficult.......idk i've worn stripes and dots at the same time before bc i didn't want one of em to feel rejected ;A; but i think i like stripes just a smolllll bit more 🤣

OOH A TRAIN

in this house we hAVE A SUP OF TAYYY like me old granny would have done ;A;

SPUDS SPUDS SPUDS 🥔🥔🥔 what kind of irishman would i be otherwise?? A BAD ONE 😤

hmmm im not terribly fond of either mango OR coconut........they both smell very nice but mango makes my tongue feel strange ;A; my mam LOVES mango tho so i will go with MANGO lol 🤣

OH I LOVE CANDLES but im not allowed play with them ;A; i used to wait till they melted and then spill some of the wax onto a bit of paper to make ''''seals'''' out of it. except then i accidentally lit a bit of paper on FIRE while doing that and,,,,,,,,i mean i put it out very fast but there were.......slight damages. so no more candles for me lmao 🤣

i actually don't use spotify!! idk how it works at all, tho ive been curious since everyone's been posting about 'spotify wrap' and it looks interesting! for now i'll have to say that i prefer cds, since they're all i've got! 💿

THE SEA THE SEA!!! I LOVE THE SEA!! 🌊

oh god oh fuck. how could i choose between piano and violin?? i've tried both, i LOVE THEM BOTH ;A; but i suppose i have a bit more natural talent with the piano. so i SUPPOOOOOSE i'll say........PIANO 🎹 (forgib me, sweet 🎻 ;A; we'll be reunited someday!! THIS I SWEAR ;A;)

i love palm trees!! they're so pretty!!! i wanna touch one, the bark looks like it would feel...........scrunkly 🌴

pencils please!! :D

SUMMER. ALWAYS SUMMER. never winter. icky winter. i hate the cold. i LOVE the warm and the sun. BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL SUMMER ;A; COME BACK TO MEEEEEE SUMMER I MISS YOOOOUUUUUU 😭😭😭

i think i like chris evans better!! no hate to mr pine, ive liked him in a couple different films, but he was in that shite 'frozen (2011)' rubbish ''''horror'''' film and i can't forgive it for upsetting me >:( bad choice mr pine. it's not ur fault, but ur visage only brings back painful memories rn ;A;

i'm afraid idk orville peck! but i've heard a bit of lil nas x and i liked his song about the old town road!! also the music video where he gave the devil a lapdance! that was such a power move 😎

tee hee this was fun!! 😄 thanks for the game, anon!! now it's ur turn~ will u tell me ur answers to these questions?? (only if u want to ofc, pls don't feel pressured!! if ur busy or if u just don't feel like it, that's totally fine!! no hard feelings, i'll not be mad! im almost never mad tbh 😅)

[oh-phineas]

Wednesday, November 30 — SWYNRP Character Wishlist: A list of 10+ characters you’d like to see in the RP (for you to play or someone else!)

1. The Potato Heads (aka the Spuds)

Look. LOOK. If you’ve ever been a fan of the genre of relationship that is “this kid is weird and an outcast and might have superpowers and i am a little bit afraid of them but i will protect them with my life” THESE are the characters for you. I love the idea of them getting completely in over their heads, they really didn’t expect their kids to be Magicks (it’s totally up to interpretation what’s actually going on with them so like LET YOUR IMAGINATION RUN WILD) but they’re both Magicks themselves who have felt like outcasts and they want to be the adult they needed growing up.

Mr. Potato Head is your classic grumpy asshole with a heart of gold who’s totally a romantic at heart, plus he has APPEARANCE CHANGING POWERS which is always fun. And like ok yes this idea is very inspired by Stranger Things and Hopper’s relationship with Eleven but.... David Harbour

And then there’s Mrs. Potato Head, who was formerly a SPY?? And now she wants to be a mom. And she has SUPER VISION. I love a tough as nails lady who is also a total romantic <3 My FC suggestion is JENNIFER COOLIDGE... pls.... im begging you.....

2. Moana

Okay so now that we’re talking about my sudden intense binge watch of the entirety of The White Lotus I have a pitch for u. This combines the thing I was talking about earlier this month re: beach town mermaid and my tv show brain worms... Moana as a mermaid on an island in the Pacific Ocean where the merms go freely between the land and the water but now there’s a hotel chain that wants to built a resort there and Moana wants to fight them but she’s only a kid so she goes to Pride U with the intention of getting a law degree or something and raising enough money to go back and save her island and maybe there’s a magical item she’s looking for in Swynlake to protect the island or something... lots of possibilities I just think it’d be a cool plot that I do not have space for ANYWAY this is one of those cases where the VA is perfect for the role! Auli’i Cravalho is super cute and she’s been in a lot of things recently.

3. Massimo Marcovaldo!!!! 

So with the Order boys no longer in the hunting game, there may be a new evil gang on the rise... I think Massimo is the perfect way to get involved if you don’t want to jump right into EVIL evil, if you want someone complicated and morally gray and who is doing a bad thing for a noble reason... it’s TOUGH and it is exactly the kind of character i love. And someone could bring in Giulia to make it even more complicated, maybe she finds out what he’s doing and tries to change him or get mad at him... I rlly think it is just the most interesting dynamic full of ANGST and FAMILY SECRETS but still LOVE... ugh I beg u

He might be slightly young but Matty Matheson... chef!!!

And for Giulia, I think Kylee Russell has the perfect quirky vibe for Giulia

4. Dr. Facilier

I hope it is okay to repurpose from last year but LOOK this is 1. partially for selfish reasons and 2. partially because I think he would be fun! I know I keep saying this but I would really LOVE a sorcerer who is on the villain side. And I think he should be sympathetic: someone who got chased out of town because people didn’t trust his magic and saw it as shady and now he’s had to scrape by as an occasional con artist and dealer of charms that aren’t exactly legal. Mundus never treated him well, so why should he play fair with them?! I also have plot ideas so please please please hit me up

FC idea: Jacob Anderson

Also in general... ANY VILLAIN SORCERERS! Ursula! Gothel! Jafar! Come on, people, we love a villain with FLAIR!!!

5. Sox

I told you this was going to be a bit self-indulgent. Here’s my thing. Swynlake could use more therapists. Swynlake could also use more characters with laser eyes. That’s it. That’s the pitch.

FC idea: Elliott Page!!! 

6. Missy Fritter

I just think Swynlake needs a fight club and I think demons are fun. I really love ladies who are loud and irreverent and aggressive and would knock you over as a way of saying hello. 

Another case where the VA would be perfect!! Lea DeLaria:

Or for someone a bit younger with a similar vibe, Melanie Field!

7. Corey Spencer

So fun fact I almost got Corey like a million years ago back in like 2020. I’ve always thought she was really fun and I love a double life plot (as evidenced by... a lot of my characters tbh). Plus I think you could do a lot of fun stuff with her being involved in the DnD world and in academia and I think it’d be really fun if we DID have her inner manticore come out at least once... lots of possibilities! 

anOTHER great VA who could work for the FC!! Octavia Spencer!!!

8. Thalia and Mel (the muses)

I just think the idea of the muses of comedy and tragedy being besties is so big brained and vibey. Or maybe even SISTERS or TWINS I mEAN!!! And I think they both have a lot of potential as a way to explore the importance of both comedy and tragedy, and why we like to write them, and why we like to consume them...  Ugh I can already feel the angst why am I convincing myself already.

For Thalia, I love Danielle Brooks!

and for Mel, I just think Keke Palmer has the rangeee

btw I totally agree that Lizzo’s dream should come true and she should play a muse... but how about EUTERPE

9. More Selfish Cars Requests

Mack - I would love an assistant for Lightning to boss around who maybe eventually develops a backbone and tells him he’s full of shit. If you have a shitty boss, here’s your chance to write about it!

FC suggestion: I think Diego Boneta would be funny bc he kind of looks like a younger version of Lightning’s FC and the idea of Lightning hiring someone who looks like himself is funny to me

AND on the other hand - Jackson Storm. Also a selfish one, but if you wanna get involved in Magick Grand Prix as a rookie hotshot here’s your chance!!! I know y’all love sports ok lets do this.

FC suggestion: Darren Barnet (join the NHIE crew hehe)

10. BUFORD

You know what I think Pride U could use? A low-stakes baddie. Someone to push the other kids around and cause some trouble! I have a soft spot for Buford and I would love for him to get to shine. He’s a total jerk who deep down... loves fish 🥺 I don’t have a FC suggestion that comes to mind but I could totally help you find someone if ur interested!!

And now for a speed round of selfish family requests/fc ideas that I don’t have much of a pitch for other than I want them

RODMILLA (sorry to pitch the aJENNda again I just love her and she DID canonically play the stepmother in another cinderella story so there u go)

DRIZELLA (hear me out she’s a girlboss)

LUCIFER (I second all the matt berry suggestions but I also think Caleb Hearon would be iconic... there are no gifs of him I can make them for u)

LUÍSA - natalia lorenzo she is a model

CAMILO AND ANTONIO AND JULIETA I ACTUALLY DON’T RLLY HAVE ANY FC SUGGESTIONS FOR THEM BUT PLS BRING MY COUSINS AND MOM <3

And finally some fcs from my tag on my personal that I just think are neat:

amrit kaur - she is so cute and has like a chaotic energy could see her as like rapunzel?? 

quinta brunson - we all know i stan her, she’s so cute, plz!!!

saoirse monica-jackson - UGH i LOVE HER i actually love the whole derry girls cast pls bring them

sean kaufman - yes i know this is just becoming “actors in shows i liked”

iman vellani - ok i HAVEN’T seen this show i just think she’s adorable. jasmine mayhaps???

dominic fike - ok i haven’t watched euphoria either but i like some of his music

chrissy metz - she’s just cute af

charithra chandran - she was so good on bridgerton why NOT

brittany o’grady no bc she’s actually so cute

[deepfriedhopesanddreams]

Plazaplex: I have so little energy left, enough to do it, enough for the whole city... But it'll shut me down before I can know more about you...

Spud Muffin: but there's a better option... There's gotta be!

See-Me: *having an aneurysm*

Burgertron: what's wrong See-Me?

See-Me: there's... One possible good choice... *Sigh* thank the stars boss just gave us a last minute option...

Spud Muffin: what is it?

See-Me: Dimlit, you deactivated the panels earlier, reactivate them back on

Everyone: what?!

Plazaplex: I don't understand...

Burgertron: and then what?

See-Me: those wires are connected with the government tech, connected with other wires, so is the memory-wiper!

Spud Muffin: but... We'll get electrocuted!

See-Me: do you want this au to be retconed?!

Everyone: ...

Plazaplex: we have to do it...

Spud Muffin: ...

*some bots connected the memory-wiper to Plazaplex's brain. He emitted a frequency. To the bots, he stops. Now they need to reactivate the panels. Everyone was worried, it means they'll be noticed outside. Dimlit bravely went on and he was horrified, the height, the wind, the agents, they were all there outside. Dimlit crawls his way to one of the wires. Letting a little shock on it, the panel reactivated.

The agents noticed this and quickly pressed the buttons to shock him. Everyone was electrocuted. But Plazaplex gets the chance to send out the frequency to everyone around. Every single human was affected.

After that, the botbots exited Plazaplex, he placed them on the ground near the unconscious human allies, and transforms back into the mall.

Gabby soon wakes up from that, including Kabiguan. Box is also functional after that. Gabby noticed the bots and called out their names. The botbots rushed towards them.*

Burgertron: you remember us?! But how? I thought.. that can't be right... Was the memory-wiper broken?

Box: ... You're right... Why?

Kabiguan: .. hmm, is it because we're not really... Human?

Botbots: actually, that makes some sense

*someone slowly wakes up. Agent Mordecai was the first. Unaffected. Everyone on the botbots side stood in a defensive stance. Agent Mordecai simply stood there, quiet*

Agent Mordecai: ... It happened all over again didn't it?

Gabby: what?

Agent Mordecai: *sigh* I'm so tired, I knew coming to this dimension... Especially this timeline...

Box: what?

Agent Mordecai: *looks at the unconscious agents*... We should be going now... Oh and Burgertron...

Burgertron: *peeks out from behind Gabby* ...?

Agent Mordecai: just be careful... You might lose another arm... Go now, leave...

*Gabby transforms and carries everyone. Rough Ride grunts, she has the worst headache. She noticed everyone was moving so she acted quickly. They all hid inside Plazaplex.

Agent Mordecai wakes up the other agents. He ordered them to move back to the base immediately, he filled in some lies to the agents and nearby civilians, everyone believed him. Before he went into his vehicle, he looked back at the mall. He can't see Burgertron, but he can tell that he doesn't want Burgertron hurt specifically...

The human allies woke up one by one, the first thing they saw was Rough Ride in her bot mode, everyone freaked out. Gabby tries to calm them down and explain everything. Mostly major parts of their past to understand.*

Raven: I still don't get it... Tell me more...

Marcus: oh my god...

Gabby: okay uhm...

Kabiguan: oh what about the memories we have? Like the pictures! Mr Dad, you have the pictures with you right?

Box: why yes! Both physical and in my database! Here!

*Box began to show some pictures to the human allies. They were intrigued by the photos and the stories that Gabby, Kabi, Box, Rough Ride and the botbots told them. The human allies finally felt familiar with everything*

Burgertron: oh yeah, and the mall is a Titan!

Everyone: a what?

Gabby: it's a very large transformer! And he's listening in on us-

Plazaplex: greetings -

Dave: *screaming*

Plazaplex: my apologies, I didn't mean to scare you...

Dave: no I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scream... So you're... The whole building?

Plazaplex: affirmative, I am Plazaplex

Dave: wow...

*Evelyn busts through the main entrance furious.*

Gabby: oh no...

Evelyn: what just happened?! What did you all do?! My gardening store is destroyed!

Gabby: wait you remember?!

Evelyn: of course I remember! It's possibly the energon that you and your father exposed me to

Box: Eve...

Evelyn: Adam... You're a talking box...

Box: and you are... The same as when I last saw you... You look beautiful...

Evelyn: don't even think of talking to me or Gabby ever!

Kabiguan: what about me? I'm considered family right?

Evelyn: who are you?

Kabiguan: I'm Kabiguan! Mr Dad gave me that name!

Evelyn: wait... But doesn't that mean... Oh Adam you Bobo!!!

Gabby: mom mom, calm down, you did say you wanted to make a cafe, or was it a restaurant....

Evelyn: I don't care! What the hell happened?!

Another part of the Vacation arc! ( Apparently, Tumblr just keeps cutting it shorter and shorter for both me and Bloom😢, so close...)

Kat: *chuckles* *sends meatball pun to group chat*

Everyone: .... Seriously?...

Kat : what? It's funny!

*Kabiguan opens the zipper on the bag and looks inside. He's happy to see the botbots, every bot realises that... No one knew what happened earlier inside the infinity mall. To the human allies, it's just nothing. Every bot agrees to keep this to themselves.

The human allies dropped off Kat and Marvin and continued their vacation.*

Marcus: alright everyone! We only have a few more days left

(@deepfriedhopesanddreams : and literally limited reblogs for me and Bloom)

Marcus: how about we speed things up?

Everyone: yea-

Cosmopatty: yeah! Montage! *Snaps fingers*

Everyone: Aaaaahhhhhh!!!! Who are you-

*Everyone was experiencing a montage. They took photos, but they can't remember how.... They kept going and going until the final day of their vacation*

Gabby: whoo! That was fun! That was... That was fast... Do you guys remember anything?...

Everyone: no/not really/ what's going on?

Gregory: okay that bot over there is responsible

Cosmopatty: what? I'm only helping my boss

Dave: wait who's your-

Cosmopatty: buh bye! *Flies back into the bag*

Hiraya: okay... That happened...

Raven: okay, she ruined our fun!

Todd: but at least we got pictures?

Marcus: yeah, and it's our last day, let's just.... Go home...

*Rough Ride was about to drive back. But Cosmopatty just has to intervene and snap their finger again. In an instant, they went back like it was minutes*

Rough Ride: how the- what the fu- damn... I thought we're already off the "eldritch bull####t" hook, damn

Gabby: yeah... What's going on- oh hey, it's my mom's gardening store!

*they were right in front of Evelyn's Gardening store, she was about to close.*

Evelyn: what the... Back so soon?

Gabby: hi mom!

Evelyn: hi sweetie!-

*Gabby stepped out of Rough Ride to give her mom a hug. Box followed behind Gabby. Evelyn had a frown on her face*

Evelyn: oh, your father's gift is... Floating...

Gabby: oh yeah it's a long story...

Box: Eve...

Evelyn: Adam?

Dave: wait your name's not Taurus?

Kabiguan: *sticks his head out* oh! Is that "Mom"?

Evelyn: !!! , A transformer?! Wait ... Mom?...

Gabby: it's also a long story-

Cosmopatty: I hate "long stories", let me help again! *Claps his hands*

Everyone: ...

Hiraya: what did you do?...

Cosmopatty: mmm maybe you should check on the mall... The mall that Dave works at, not the food mall

*Everyone was confused. They don't have much time to explain it to Evelyn. Rough Ride suddenly moved by herself, she wasn't in control. Driving over a safety barrier and several familiar looking vehicles. She drove close to the mall. But something isn't right...

Agents... Lot's of them, surrounding the mall. They hand this odd wire around the mall, like securing it. The human allies quickly hid somewhere, they got closer to listen in any of them. What is going on?*

Agent Wagner: are you sure?

Agent Mordecai: affirmative, look *shows her the energon tracker* see this? This place... Is contaminated with energon...

*Everyone was shocked, there's energon residue?*

Agent Mordecai: ... Alright, men, do it now

*one of the agents flips some switches. A large surge of shock was activated. The wires shake violently. Suddenly, the ground begins to shake.

A large arm emerges out of the mall then another, the whole mall begins to transform, it was a Titan... Everyone's eyes grew wide at his presence. He was in absolute pain, the shock hurt him so much, he tried to stand up but the tough wires kept him down. The agents started to fire at him, this made things even worse. They began to fire missiles at him. He manages to throw one away, but it crashed into Evelyn's Gardening store*

Evelyn: oh no!-

*back at the parking lot*

Gabby: oh boy, I hope that missile didn't hit a civilian...

*the Titan struggles to move, everything hurts*

Marcus: what are we going to do?! This is bad

[ingravinoveritas]

Have you seen the gayest show on tv ever? Our Flag Means Death?

Gay pirate rom-com.

I would literally kill everyone on earth to see David and Michael in a show like that or Aziraphale and Crowley be that open and in love.

Anyways, it is on HBOMax and the last two episodes drop next week. Watch it and thank me later.

So, I’ve recently received these two asks about Our Flag Means Death, and between these messages and seeing my social media feeds blowing up about this show seemingly out of nowhere, I thought I would take the time to watch it (which I now have, all 10 episodes) and write about the show and my thoughts on all the discourse that’s popped up.

Before I get into the meat of my analysis, standard disclaimer that what follows are my opinions. What I think is by no means gospel, and I absolutely encourage folks to watch the show themselves and form their own opinions. At the same time, I was also very hesitant to watch the show initially, and I hope people understand that just because lots of GO fans or people you follow are watching the show and becoming fans, it doesn’t mean you have to, too. So if you don’t want to watch it, that is totally okay, and if you do want to watch it, that is okay, too.

All that being said, let me first list the things that I did like about OFMD, in no particular order (**Note: Spoilers for OFMD may follow, so read at your own discretion):

- Loved Ewen Bremner as Mr. Buttons, because I was immediately like “HI SPUD!” and let’s face it, Mr. Buttons is pretty much what Spud would be like if he were an 18th century pirate, albeit with less heroin and more cannibalistic tendencies. Bless.

- Loved the relationship between Lucius and Black Pete, and how the latter carved a new finger for the former after he lost his, and the depth of emotion from Pete when he was giving it to him (”I’m used to death, but, um...not your death”).

- Loved that Mary didn’t even blink or blanch when Stede said, “Ed. His name is Ed” after she asked the name of the person Stede had found who makes him happy, and that she was so supportive of him even after all they’d been through. 

-  Taika Waititi’s entire goth daddy pirate aesthetic as Blackbeard/Ed gave me life. The whole look was very Michael Sheen as Lucian from Underworld on the high seas and normally I am not here for a giant beard, but when he shaved it off in a later episode, I was nearly bereft.

- And yes, the burgeoning relationship between Stede and Ed was and is adorable, but something about which I continue to have somewhat mixed feelings (more on that in a minute).

Overall, Our Flag Means Death was a cute show (if a bit gory at times) and enjoyable on its own. But where I start to struggle is with the repeated comparisons to Good Omens (and especially to comparisons between Michael/David and Rhys/Taika, which is what I think I have the most problem with). And here’s why.

When I become specifically, intensely interested in something, whether it’s a movie or a band or a TV show--and this may have to do with my being autistic or just who I am--I am only interested in That Thing. For the past three years, Good Omens and Michael and David have had my heart, and so my initial hesitation in watching OFMD stemmed from seeing what I perceived as fans jumping on this bandwagon and rushing to replace Aziraphale and Crowley with Stede and Ed.

Now, I am aware this is not the case for most people. I know a lot of folks are filling the void between now and when season 2 of GO comes out, and this doesn’t make them love GO any less. But for me, there is something very special and unique about Good Omens and the characters of Aziraphale and Crowley and what they have all meant to me personally. So when I started seeing the comparisons between GO and OFMD, I wasn’t sure how to feel. What I mainly feel now, however, is that the comparisons do a disservice to both Stede/Ed and Aziraphale/Crowley, because while these relationships may seem similar on the surface, underneath they are very different.

The number one thing I have seen folks talking about on social media is the kiss between Stede and Ed in episode 9 of OFMD. I did think the kiss was sweet, but also a bit stiff--and not because of it being a first kiss. In talking about this, I think we have to mention acting and chemistry, both of which hugely influence how a relationship reads on screen, and Rhys and Taika do indeed have chemistry in the show. But when I saw them kiss, what I immediately saw was the acting. When I see Michael and David together, I see them being. It’s the difference between acting chemistry vs. people chemistry, embodying Aziraphale and Crowley from the inside out, as opposed to from the outside in, and having that relationship informed by the powerful bond between Michael and David off-screen.

So when I saw that kiss, I couldn’t help thinking that a kiss between Aziraphale and Crowley would be completely different from the kiss between Stede and Ed. (For many reasons, which would necessitate a longer discussion about representation and Michael/David (especially Michael’s) fearlessness and entire lack of hesitation in playing queer roles and the parts of him those roles represent.) But mainly because that chemistry and connection between Rhys and Taika doesn’t hold a candle to the chemistry and connection between Michael and David. And the presence of a kiss between Stede and Ed does not automatically mean they have romantic chemistry in the same way that Aziraphale and Crowley do, despite the absence of a kiss between them.

This is also the reason why I had to do a double-take when I saw a post here on Tumblr putting Michael and Georgia/David’s Twitter interaction side-by-side with one of Taika and Rhys’ and saying it had the same vibes:

For me, these two examples could not be more disparate. Again, it’s that thing where on the surface there appears to be a similarity, but when you look closely, there is a difference. Right off the bat, Taika qualifies his tweet by using the phrase “onscreen crush,” thereby drawing a clear line between him and the character of Ed/Blackbeard. But for the past three years, Michael has done nothing but the complete opposite, entirely blurring the line between him and Aziraphale, saying how David is very easy to fall in love with, calling David his lover, directly referencing fanfic by saying it is about he and David having sex, and countless other examples I have chronicled on my blog. (This isn’t even getting into how David has reciprocated outside of social media, albeit in his more reserved, David Tennant-y way.)

To go back to the example above, in contrast to Rhys and Taika’s exchange, the “other wife” comment--along with Michael’s response--is referencing something that has nothing to do with anything onscreen. We saw the first reference on Georgia’s birthday, and the tweet above continued it. But these references (#MugGate 2020, the use of the phrase “other partner” prior to “other wife” becoming a thing) have been going on for TWO YEARS now, so there is a history to this and a very high probability that it’s alluding to so much more than we even know about. So it seems like that takes things far beyond the realm of one very specific, narrowly-defined Twitter exchange, and is for me the reason why they are so completely different/not in the same realm.

All of the above being said, watching OFMD made me think of many things, but in particular, it made me think of season 2 of GO, and what could be in store/what I hope is in store. I know I have said previously that I am okay with Aziraphale and Crowley kissing or not kissing, and while watching OFMD has certainly tipped the scales in favor of “kissing,” what I hope is that that chemistry between Michael and David will be utilized to maximum effect, in whatever form that may take.

I hope Neil will see what they’ve brought to Aziraphale and Crowley in the first season and not let it go to waste, because the chemistry between Michael and David is truly a once-in-a-lifetime find. Like you, @blueberrysconematurity, I would also love to see Aziraphale and Crowley being that open--or at least being open in the way that is right for them--and putting to rest any of the absurdly still-lingering doubts about the love that is between them.

I hope that we can acknowledge and respect that there is room for all sort of queer representation in the media landscape, and that though there may be parallels, the relationships between Aziraphale/Crowley and Stede/Ed are not completely alike, nor should they have to be, to be viewed as representation.

And I hope that, for the sake of both Good Omens and Our Flag Means Death and the creators and cast who worked so hard to make these shows happen, the comparisons will eventually die down. I feel they shouldn’t be compared, but rather appreciated for the individual, unique shows that they are, with two relationships that are worth celebrating without casting them in each other’s shadow.    

So those are my thoughts on OFMD, and I hope this post helps some folks out who have been wondering about the show. Thanks for writing in! xx